Long story short, it’s still a bad time.

I tend to put a lot of pressure on things that really don’t require that much attention. It’s a habit of mine that I’ve been trying to break for the longest time, but sometimes the bad habits win. Often, this comes as a “I can’t do x, y, z, until everything else is perfect.” I can’t watch this show until I feel that I am in the right mental state to do so. This means, the house must be clean I must have a minimum of two fuzzy blankets and a nice, cold drink. And, a lot of the time, when I have everything flawlessly set, I can’t calm myself down enough to enjoy the moment. I will have the blankets, the drink, the pillows, the ambiance. But, I will not be calm. I can’t be calm.

On the other hand, sometimes I am so calm that I fall asleep mid-movie and then the moment has passed and I can never re-create it. So, what’s the point in even trying to re-watch the movie.

I’m realizing lately that this might have something to do with anxious tendencies. And, I’m trying to be patient with myself and let life happen when it happens. But, man, is it hard. I can never tell if I’m waiting to do something because I just don’t feel like it, or if it’s because things aren’t exactly how I want them, first. For example, has it taken me so long to watch Little Women because the timing hasn’t been perfect, or because I had planned to watch the movie with my mom and sister and now that is not possible with self-isolation. Or, is it because I don’t feel like it anymore. Has the moment faded? Or, do I just need to read the book first? Am I somehow aware that this movie is going to rip my entire heart out of my chest and throw my everything on the floor? Will I not recover from it?

Recovery is incredibly difficult. During parts of 2020, my entire life fell apart. I am still not completely put together. The house is still not completely together. And, I struggle to mention some of the things that I am dealing with, even to the best of my friends and closest family members. I think that I haven’t felt like myself since chaos week.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to come back to myself. I’ve even pretended, on occasion, to be happy. But, I’m not. I fear that I won’t be again. I am trying. I have been cleaning and organizing and pretending. I have been getting rid of old struggles and connecting with old friends. But, without the ability to leave my house (save for work) it has been quite an experiment. Some days are lighter than others, but I wish for a day when I do not think about the bad at all, because I am overwhelmed by the good.

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